I had that experience last week where I wrote something to someone that was --- how to say it --- too direct. I was trying to report back on an experience. And I guess I was giving my opinion, something that I really try to avoid. Sometimes.
Anyway. I said things that hurt feelings. I knew that was a potential result of having an opinion. And I can remember that fleeting second before pressing "send" when I wondered if it was going to be worth it. Is it better to be direct or not? Is it better to have opinions or not? Is it better to speak truth or not?
When I spent my life in the closet (yes gentle reader, I have the gay) I was always watching myself to see if I was radiating homosexuality to the world around me. Like anyone who has spent any time in the closet I wondered if I would be found out, and I imagined that would be the worst possible thing. In the closet I learned how to lie about myself and about the world that I most desired. It seemed that the truth, far from setting me free, would kill me.
Living a lie gave me a strange orientation to the truth. Learning how to use many words to not say anything real made me a confusing mess to myself and to others. Coming out of the closet made me tell the truth - all of the time. I can remember feeling as if the new truth of myself and the former lie of myself were in a kind of matter/anit-matter death match. I thought I might explode. And in my early days of being out I did, sometimes.
Now I try and tell the truth all of the time. I try and use the power of my experience to shed as much light as possible. I try and pay attention to my feelings as if they are real and have meaning for me. And I very often make a mess of it. Feelings are stupid. That's what I tell myself. But feelings are all I've got. Feelings lead down paths that are just plain confusing. And feelings are all I've got. Feelings are stupid. And feelings are all I've got.
When I hurt a person by telling my truth, I feel confused. Truth is what I'm devoted to. And truth makes people feel bad. I don't have anything profound to say about this. I just notice it in my life and my relationships - which is just another way of saying "my life". So for today, I'm going to tell the truth and let it be. I'm going to feel my way into my future and know that it will result in pain, at least some of the time. I'm going to trust myself in my truth and pray for the best.
